Frequently Asked Questions

Q. Nnmph...I’m bleeding. Where am I?

A. Ah, good, you’re awake. Welcome to notmuchgoingon.blogspot.com! I hope you like your cosy bean-bag. Now, is there anything else you’d like to know about me?

Q. Wh-why have you done this?

A. Well, it’s something a bit different I suppose. You know, I’ve tried out various free-to-host webpages and interactive hobby forums, but what the world is really crying out for, I think, is more blogs detailing the social lives and music tastes of complete strangers...

Q. No, I meant dressing me in this Fruit of the Loom sweatshirt with your face on it, and the half-bottle of sedative-hypnotics I seem to have ingested...how is it possible for me to be trapped inside an http address anyway? And who are all these people, groaning and mooing like bored cattle and chewing away at their sweatshirts in a vain attempt to get you off their chests?

A. ...and you’ll be able to follow my daily adventures, find out about my favourite films and Bible passages and things to eat, and I’ll tell you all about the time I met the newsreader John Suchet – that’s John over there, by the way.

(JOHN SUCHET, IN A PALE, BEDRAGGLED STATE WORLDS AWAY FROM HIS DIGNIFIED PUBLIC PERSONA, COWERS IN A DIMLY-LIT CORNER OF THE BLOG SORROWFULLY TRYING TO SCRAPE THE IRON-ON TRANSFER FROM HIS FRUIT OF THE LOOM SWEATSHIRT)

J.S. Urgh...for...for the love of...(SCRAPE SCRAPE SCRAPE)...God, this vile face will not budge!

A. Ha ha ha, isn’t he a character!

Q. Will I be allowed to go home?

A. Hmm, that’s a good question... at the moment I’m really into Pulp, they’re great fun, and I don’t know if you’ve heard Edwyn Collins’ solo debut from 1989, “Hope and Despair”? Well, I really like track two, “50 Shades of Blue”. Remind me and I’ll let you have a listen. Oh, and if it’s film scores you’re after, you can’t beat a bit of John Williams: “Da-da-da-daaa/Wuh-oh, I’m Home Alone/Da-da-da-da...”

Q. Right, well, that’s fantastic and you’re very interesting, and I don’t suppose you’ll mind if I escape through this open sewer which, despite the fact it involves a 50-foot drop and what looks to be a shoal of appallingly mutated piranha fish gnawing on a human skeleton at the bottom, is a damn sight preferable to another second spent in your company?

A. ...I don’t pay much attention to my horoscope, it’s all a big con really isn’t it? I enjoy a nice crossword from time to time, so long as it’s not Cryptic, I can’t be doing with all that “My first is in June, but not in July” stuff, although I might be thinking of riddles here...

Q. Geronimoooooooooooooooooo!

A. ...and I quite like riddles. Oh dear, he’s plunged to his death. You know John, of all the possible deaths I could die, plunging would be my last choice. I’ve come up with all sorts of madcap departures that are more exciting than simply falling into a piranha-filled sewer, most of them involving some sort of delicious poetic irony – you know, like, I never learned to drive and then I get shot at the Museum of Transport. I mean in the car section, obviously, because if it happened near an interactive display about the old Glasgow trams it wouldn’t be particularly ironic.

Although I suppose a dramatic murder like that is out of the question anyway, since I’ve led a fairly inoffensive life...I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would want to kill me, can you? John? John...oh, there you are. I said, I can’t think why anyone would want to kill me!

That’s a nice axe, John. A keen tree-feller, eh? That’s another thing we’ve got in common... although I have to say the way you – ack! – the way you’re repeatedly applying the blade to my throat is a little unorthodox for my tastes. You wouldn’t catch this old-schooler messing around with – nyaa-aa-aaargh ! – single-bit woodcutting implements and the human neck. Ow...ow...ow...that’s my vocal cords gone John, ha ha, I’m not sure what I’ll do about talking from now on...


If you have a question that wasn’t covered in our helpful and informative FAQ, please get in touch.